An Adventure in Loading a Camel!

Hello Children.  It is time again for Jimmy "Willy" Mercer to give you some social commentary on some of the hot topics involved in the world today.  Political, religical, smartical, any context is faire game (not Wack-a-Mole though.  That is the worst.  I am anti-molewacking).

So, way, way, way back in time Children, somewhere in the world where Camels exist people decided that it would be a good idea to measure things in Camel loads.  Interesting, right?  Yes.  Camels are very very cool animals and why would you choose any other kind of animal to load with your precious goods?   They are quick, quicker than horses even (at least in deserts.  Horses probably could outswim a Camel)!  What were you saying?  You would load your goods onto a goat?  What is this madness!  Goats?  Those devilish square-pupilled crisper-loving tin can-crunching demons?  If you are one of those goat lovers please leave this blog right now-

You gone?  C'mon goat-lover I don't accept your kind here.

Gone?  Good.  Now, sorry for that interruption Children, it is time to discuss those wonderful animals called Camels.  Camels are a curious thing.  They live in the desert and can go for a really long time without drinking.  It's awesome!  But, then we must ass ourselves (as the title suggests): how does one load a Camel?  Its a curious question.  Do they have saddle bags?  Do they have saddles?  Do they carry things in boxes?  Bags?  With the power of executive thought?  Its a conundrum.  First off we must ask ourselves what kind of Camels do you typically load?  Dromedary or Bactrian?  First off we must define each of these in a way that is simple for those who do not know which is which:

Well, that was fun and simple, was it not?  If I wanted to load a Camel I think I would go for the Bactrian (personally).  It may be so that those are the ones not usually loaded, but to be honest I don't care.  I am petty.  Bactrian it is.  But then, we must discuss, how you load it.  I assume there is some sort of saddle-bag technology in use, but how do I know?  Maybe they carry things in their teeth and Dromedary Camels have a superior oral cavity for carrying.  I do not know!  Its puzzling.  Also, how can you judge the size of a Camel load?  If I load something onto a Camel, that is a Camel load I presume.   How can you standardize that?  I imagine that somewhere in the Sinai desert, some whitty and malicious gene-mongering Camel breeder created the dreaded pigmy Camel.  Think of the economy!  Tiny little itty bitty Camels carrying what could only be defined as a "Camel Load" of goods!  Well Children, we can breathe easy that the days of our good friend Omar the Breeder are over.  Nowadays we weigh our useless goods in kilograms, meters, and dollars.  We do not feel the oprresive fingers of our trickster devil Omar running us for our money while we can do nothing but say "Bollocks, that wanker got away on his tiny little Camels and his legitimate business".  I did a final sketch, though forgive the quality, to give the final and overweening idea behind this perhaps overly long and bulbous (like myself) blog post.  

May you reap Camel loads of joy,

           Jimmy "The Camel" Mercer

Jimmy "The Fat" Mercer

I am fat.  For those of you who know me by sight you will likely disagree with me but it is so.  As I showered today I noticed that I can see fairly few of my fairly few muscles, and cannot quite find a great place on my body that I can grab anything less than a handful of flabby flesh matter.  Perhaps I do not show it well, I can apparently hide my fat in my boyish good looks (which themselves connote young fat and are not quite as much good as boyish).  

As I oggle with disgusted eyes my naked form (which is not so formly anymore) I cannot comprehend how it happens.  How people become fat.  I am in no way “obese” by definition, at least not objectively obese.  I am, perhaps, I believe, subjectively obese.  I know all that know me are now knowingly speaking all the dark words they know at this knowledge I am spewing unbeknownst to the fact that I truly am obese.  Subjectively.  It IS true I weigh no more than something like 65 kilos (or 145 pounds to those who dislike the beautiful system of Metric).  I am by no means stout to any but my eyes likely.  Perhaps if you all had the chance to grab my buttocks you would realize that, though well padded, it takes far too long to reach a muscle. 

It perplexes me how someone can get further than I am in “weight”, which I am using in the context of fat not pounds.  I hope that all those who find themselves to be fat can be happy to know that I know how you feel, though you would hate me for it.  I now feel as though I can sympathize with those who feel they are but a blob of fat, and feel as though they should be throwing their stones out the window by means of a better lifestyle.  I sympathize.  Goodnight children.

           Jimmy "The Whimmy" Mercer

On Jimmy "The Oblivion" Mercer

My blog does not seem thrilled about letting people comment.  If you want to comment, try, but if you are urgently wishing for me to hear your eloquent praise then please email me at: jimmythemercer@gmail.com .  Send your praise, children!

With the warmest of the warm regards
           Jimmy "The Fool" Mercer

A "Comical" Representation of the Pitfalls of Crispers!

A good friend and or brother of mine decided that he would become my guest artist.  He is what I would call an avant-garde realist and his compositions cause pause and tears in even the most stoney faced people.

Enjoy, Children.

LOVE IT!

Love
      Jimmy "The Whimsical" Mercer

Where can I find a Crisper? What is a Crisper? Help me sir!

Hello Children,

It has come to my attention that there is a very, very, very pressing issue in the mind of a friend of mine.  She is unaware of the magic and the beauty of the Crisper.  How can one live in a world and not understand such a thing?  Preposterous!  So my first entry will be in order to alleviate this poor soul from the torture that is not knowing about crispers.

A crisper is a place inside of ones refrigerator, please adjust your minds eye to see this children, that is most usually put near the bottom and usually comes in the form of a drawer.  "But", you may ask, "Good sir, why is it that they call it a crisper?  Is that a way for the British vernacular to keep me down?  Is that where they make their "crisps"?  Should I fear the next British Invasion, but this time in the form of Potato chips called Crisps instead of bands named after insects?"  The answer to these questions are: because it makes things crisp, yes, unfortunately no, and yes this is a constant and ever-present issue in which all should fear and prepare accordingly for.  The crisper is unfortunately not a place to find incredibly tasty but rather limey potato chips, but rather a place where you would consider to keep your un-chipped potatoes and other deathly poor-tasting-unless-covered-in-butte-and-flavouring-to-hide-their-taste foods like: broccoli, carrots, radishes, and cauliflower.  Occasionally, however, the really good food in which your friend or spouse is trying to hide because they are planning to eat it themselves or it is a necessary part of a delicious dish in which you may or may not have a chance to taste because your friend or spouse may or may have ill intentions of savouring the food for themselves whilst you choke down broccoli garnished with tears is kept.  For this reason you should always check the crisper.  Be sure to have a pair of oven mittens and a clothes pin nearby in order to protect yourself from any chance osmotic transfer of the vile crisp crisper food into your system before it has a chance to be buttered and deep fried in a way that you can just avoid them and segregate them on your plate anyway.

Aside from the occasional gems in which you could find in the crisper its purpose is to make those vile foods (and other horrors I chose not to mention out of fear and Freudian repression) last as long as possible.  Why on God's green earth would someone choose to invent something that would make such food that the poor sad cute little bunnies are forced to eat last so long?  This is the work of the Devil.  The Devil invented crispers and for this reason we should do our best to combat the new Brittish Invasion of Crisps because behind all those innocent Brits is the burning eyes and creepy fingers of Lucifer, the one who holds the patent of the Crisper in your very own refrigerator.  We cannot stand for such injustice to live on in the same container that we hold our brewskis and soda-pops.  We cannot stand and let the Devil haunt us with the devilish food (unless its Devil's Food Cake or Deviled Eggs).  Stand with me, my children, and destroy your crispers!  Let not the chains of Hell hold you down any longer!  Free yourself of your oppressor and say "NO MORE!" to crisp vegetables!

Good Night my Children,

                       Jimmy "The Pickle" Mercer


PS: Visit the blog of the friend who was lucky enough to be ignorant of the Crisper at littlecommentaries.blogspot.com and tell her just how lucky she is.